Between Shadow and Light

Entry #1: January 1, 2011

When I was born, my face was blue — I was not breathing. I could see my newborn body, bloody, wet and still, hanging upside down in the hands of the doctor. I felt like air; cool and free. I drifted across a cobalt blue knotted web that carried me to a place between life and death– outside of time and space. I floated into a place of silent darkness. This was the first time I saw her. She appeared to me a formless being, with ancient, knowing eyes of fire. The center of her being dark and hollow. I looked deeper into her core, and I saw stars, swirling bright, and full of power. I felt, all at once, both constrained and free.

In my confusion, I struggled to escape from this great void, but there was nowhere to go. I too, was formless. When I could no longer struggle, I surrendered into a thick, sweet scent of roses that enfolded me and gave me peace. Then she reached out her formless arms and pulled me deeper into her center, where I felt protected. I looked out into the vast space in front of me and spheres of brightly colored lights appeared around me. The dazzling light that emanated from them began to contract and expand, pulsating crystalline hues of magenta, gold, emerald-green, indigo, violet and ruby. They moved in circles around me, exploding into an ethereal chorus of light and sound that vibrated through me. I was prostrate in a cosmic cathedral slain in awe.

The spheres of light moved in closer around me and exploded into large winged, luminous creatures with sapphire, diamond-shaped eyes. They looked deep into me, and I returned their gaze, searching for something I could understand. I was completely merged with them. They covered me in pure and absolute love. There were thousands of these beings around me. I knew that I had known them before this moment–the whole of us inextricable and eternally connected.

Then I heard the winged ones whisper in one voice into my mind.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” They spoke without words. Their words hummed like the a thousand hummingbirds flying around and through me.

“Yes. I do.” I said.

“It will be more painful than you can ever imagine in this moment. There will be times when the pain will be unbearable and you will want to return to us. We will not allow you to take your life. We will honor your soul agreement, not the request of your personality. You will often feel as if you are alone and forgotten, but we know that you are stronger than you realize. We will not abandon you. We will guide you and assist you in remembering the power and beauty of your soul.

“I nodded, feeling confident and strong.

“Very well, then. We are going to return you to your body now. Remember within your heart and soul that you are never alone. We are always here with you–loving you and guiding you. Whenever you need us, you have only to call us and we will come to you.”

The next moment I felt a sharp sensation pushing my mind back into time and space. The doctor dangled my small body in one large hand. I hovered above my newborn self for a few moments. Then the doctor spanked my bottom once and then again, until I let out the cry of life, and my lungs began to breathe. The world around me felt small and suffocating. The doctor placed me on my mother’s belly and she held me, whispering soft soothing sounds. I slept and slipped further into a world of progressive forgetting, seeped in a deep sense of loss and separation. this was the beginning of my journey.

A note from Rose. . .

These Diaries contain explicit details of sexual abuse. Please be aware that you may be triggered. Be sure to have support of a friend or therapist if you need it–Blessings.

My name is Rose. This is my diary. In this diary I share the story of my healing journey through sexual, physical and psychological abuse. As a result of this abuse, I developed a severe dissociative disorder which took many years to heal. My abuse occured from the age of four until the age of sixteen. I was abused beneath a heavy cloak of denial; within a circle of self-destruction, addiction and mental illness. I am writing so you will know deep in your heart and soul that you are not alone. There are thousands of us all over the world, female and male, who share this pain. By speaking, writing, painting, praying, dancing, singing, we release and heal some of that pain. This is my prayer.

I invite you to into this sacred space where you will be safe. There is nothing you can tell me that will make me cover my ears or turn away from you. You have a friend now; someone who understands your terror, your shame and the fear that others will find out your secret. This is a safe space where you don’t have to hide what you have been through. The darkness that you carry within your soul can be healed, and finally put in a place where it doesn’t fill your every waking breath. You are a gift to the world, and beneath your shame, grief, deep sorrow and feelings of brokenness, there is a shining soul.

You are perfect just as you are; full of beauty, both dark and light. You are perfect. You are strong and amazing. You have been deeply wounded, yes; and you are much more than the abuse that you have suffered. Within the pain of your heart, sings the song of your Soul. She says, “You are stronger than you know. You are a survivor. You deserve to be loved.” My prayer for you, is that you will choose life–forgive yourself, because it was never your fault. Choose Life — You are made of light.

I hope that you will be inspired by my story, and know that you can heal from anything. You heal more each day that you choose life. Even though some days you don’t care if you survive, and many days you pray that you don’t. I have walked through these haunted halls, and after many, many years I finally emerged from the darkness. I found Light and Love inside myself. I don’t always live there. There are days when the shadows still pass across my soul. But I know who I am and I know none of this was my fault. I found meaning in it for myself. It is not my intention to impose my views on anyone. I am writing my story. Each person’s healing journey is unique. This is mine.

My story is also about angelic beings and spirit guides who have helped me and guided me throughout my life. We never heal alone. There are always those around us, seen or unseen who are there to offer light, hope and healing. They are loving, powerful Beings who dwell throughout the Universe; who are here to hold you in your darkest moments. And there is Love. (I promise).

I don’t know you, but I love you. . .
Thank you for sharing my journey,
–Rose

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HELPLINES – IF YOU NEED TO FIND HELP:

National Hopeline Network (U.S.A.) – www.hopeline.com – 1-800-SUICIDE

TWLOHA: To Write Love on Her Arms www.twloha.com is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

Childhelp – www.childhelp.org - 1-800-4-A-CHILD – National Child Abuse Hotline

National Domestic Violence Helpline – www.ndvh.org - 1-800-799-SAFE

RAINN: Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network -
www.rainn.org – 1-800-656-HOPE National Sexual Assault Hotline

National Eating Disorders Association – www.nationaleatingdisorders.org - 1-800-931-2237

The Trevor Helpline is the only nationwide, around-the-clock crisis and suicide prevention helpline for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning (LGBTQ) youth. All calls are confidential and toll-free from anywhere in the United States, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. 866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386)
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